| Poor Toothpaste Choice |
[Nov. 25th, 2006|05:55 am] |
Hey there to all my loyal fans in BloggerLand, this is John once again with another tale of devastating personal tragedy. This morning I was all ready to give my pearly whites their weekly scrub-down when I saw to my horror that my tooth-paste tube was missing. I delivered my classic catch-phrase, "Holy Bleeping Fuck-Jabbers!" and was off to my local Ralph's licketty-split to replace the missing tubule. But, just like every thing in my life, easier said than done, right?
First of all, finding the tooth-paste section took me FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! I mean, they've done the supermarket up all Octobery so it looks like this big stupid orange pumpkin patch with scarecrows and bullshit so you cant find anything. I kept passing the same seasonal muffin-barrel over and over, and started wondering if I should just forgo tooth-brushing all together when I finally reached the "Feminine Care" section, which for some reason was the only section with toothpaste. There was also this COSMO magazine which actually contained the heading, "THE 10 SEXIEST THINGS TO DO AFTER SEX!" which I could hardly believe. I'll bet #1 on that list would be "Have more sex." I guess I wouldn't know, since my own personal "Woodrow Wilson" hasnt given a presidential adress in a long, long time, if you catch my meaning. On a related note, did you know that that 80's toy "Stretch Armstrong" was originally named "Rubber Johnson?!!" I'm not even kidding. I saw it on "I Love the 80s III."
Anyway, so there I am in the Girly-Parts section of the store when who should I bump into??! Yeah, just my luck I find myself face to face with my ex-girlfriend Alice. Worse still, I was kindof holding that Cosmo magazine I told you about, because I was looking for that sex-after-sex "Sexpose" but couldnt find it because apparently that stupid magazine is like 90% perfume adds. So Alice sees me looking through the COSMO and has this "Oh My God!" look on her face and just grabs her lube bottle and leaves. I dont even want to know what she needed lube for. On the Awkward-O-Meter it scored at least a 7 and a half.
At this point I just want to get my tooth-paste and leave, but there's SO MANY KINDS I CANT CHOOSE!!! I mean how am I supposed to tell the difference between Crest Breath-Freshening Long-Lasting Gum-Enhancing Paste-Gel and Crest Gum-Freshening Time-Lengthening Breath Enhancement Gel-Paste? A tooth-paste choice is a pretty big commitment, since it stays with you for over a month before running out, just like Alice, that slutty lube-buying bitch. Finally I choose this blue one with a polar bear on the front, but while Im waiting in line I start to worry that maybe its not the right one, so I have to back up through the line, which pissed everyone off. Anyway, I ran into the supermarket bathroom, locked the door, checked for security cameras in there (Because you never know, right?) and then decided to sample the tooth-paste. BAD DESICISION. Since I didnt have a brush, I figured I would just squeeze some into my mouth and just swish it around, see how I liked it. Turns out I had grabbed like the breath-blasting tooth-paste from hell. The moment it touched my tongue I felt like I was being raped in the face by a minty sasquach made of liquid nitrogen. I ended up running out of Ralphs spitting everywhere I went and I didnt even by anything.
In the end, this great quest of mine was much like Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, not just because it lasted way too long and made my face hurt, but also because they were playing the LOTR theme over the supermarket music-phone thing the whole time.
For now Ive decided to just make like those Hobbits and say "fuck you!" to oral hygeine.
John Out! |
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| BAD VIBRATIONS!! |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|12:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Good Vibrations- Marky Mark | ] |
Sighhhh.
Hey guys.
Guess who lost his car keys today? I'll give you a hint: his name is John Castles. I wanted to go to the movies today to see Ice Age Two, but I reached into my pocket and was all like "Say Whaaaaaaat??" Lo and behold, they were not there. My grandpa always used to have this saying about losing things, and it went like this: "When something goes a-missing, just take my advice, the China-Man has got it hiding in his pail of rice."
Wow, I never realized it, but that song is kind of racist. I'm friends with a few orientals and they probably wouldnt like to be called "China-Men." I'm Scotch-Irish and I wouldnt want to be called a "Scotch-Man." Actually, I wouldnt mind that much, come to think of it. Asian people should lighten up!
But yeah, long story short, I missed Ice Age. Also, I think I'm starting to get a little congested. I'll update you on the situation as events warrant.
-John |
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| PAPER CUT! PAPER CUT! PAPER CUT! |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|07:13 pm] |
Hola amigos, it's John here once again. Update on the ex-girlfriend situation! Turns out the sprain was actually just a bruise, so she wont even get a cast or anything. Karma, my ass! For all the emotional pain she caused me, she should at least get heartburn or searing abdominal cramps. Or maybe God could send a shark to eat her grandma.
Wait, can God talk to fish, or am I thinking of Aquaman?
Oh, also I recently got a paper cut, and it hurts really bad. It's on the index finger of my right hand, so it hurts every time I type the any letters on the far right of the keyboard, particularly something like "lol." Man, it stings so bad!!!!
GOD, I WANT TO DIE!
-John
PS: I didnt kill myself by the way. I was planning on it, but then I watched an episode of Fairly Odd Parents instead. I wish I had magical gay fairy parents that granted me wishes. I'd get rid of this crappy Honda Civic for starters. |
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| Sad Sad Sad |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|08:15 pm] |
Today my girlfriend broke up with me and when she was driving away she ran over my cat. Luckily it caused her to swerve into an embankment and sprain her wrist, so I guess that evens things out. You can read about it in her livejournal once she's able to type again.
But yeah, long story short, I'm depressed. I spent all day crying and when I was done I turned on TV and saw Louie Anderson and that made me cry even harder. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I even thought about killing myself. Everyone thinks that suicide is scary, but I think theres ways you could do it that would be fun. You know, like by mastrubating so many times that I die from exhaustion, or by eating some girl scout cookies that are so delicious that my head explods. Those peanut-butter ones might do the trick. I'd have to buy a lot though.
You know, I dont think anyone's ever been sadder than me. Like, EVER!!! And that includes historical figures like Abraham Lincoln (sp?) and Cher. I guess I'm not gonna win the "best boyfriend of the year award," but I still dont know why she dumped me. She said that she "needed space", which was amazing to actually hear said aloud by a real person, because up until now I thought it was such a super-cliche that it was against the law to say out outside of the O.C.
Anyway, I'm gonna download some .mpegs from xxxmovies.com and see if I can kill myself.
Man, I miss my cat.
Keep on truckin,
-John |
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